waffledcarrot's Xanga

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 09:00:28 GMT

i never thought i wud have to write here agains.. its bin long time since i last wrote here.. i dunnos.. i jst broke up with julien.. i feel so sad atm ><;; i see myself checking the fone every second of the day.. hoping that he'll send a text asking me back.. i loved that guy.. loved him more than any other guy ive been with.. i swear i realli thought i cud marry him.. i relli thought it was possible.. everything he ment everything i let him go.. and now it hurts.. cos i believe it was a stupid mistake..
i have with mi my stupid school diary with him and his writing all over it.. it hurts to noe that he had loved mi so much yet i let him go.. it hurts.. so bad now.. i wish something cud happen.. i dnos i jst feel pain.. :( cos i noe i lost the guy ive loved so much possibly forever becos i chose to let go of us two..

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 07:33:59 GMT

the negative blog ahahahahaha sad...

anyways as usual when i type here its always negative.. im suprised i managed a month without typing here.. anyways.. yesterday i saw daniel again for the first time after we broke up it hurt like hell.. it was like.. seeing the devil or something.. i dunno it jst hurt.. becos obviously i didnt wanna see him.. my legs shake and im in a total mess thinking FUDGE!!! anyways.. besides that point.. im finding it terribly hard to cope with everything atm.. nothing wants to get into my brain im jst too tired i love julien but arrgg i dunno i jst wish i cud see him every second atm.. it feels like i make so much effort at times.. too much effort.. sighs* i dunno i feel ever so insecure at times.. most times in fact.. not becos he wud leave me..or cheat on me.. its becos of the fact that.. if i dun get things the way i want it to be soon.. im gonna lose it.. and i dont want to lose it .. i just wish everything was good.. everything to be perfect ><;; why cant it be like dat sighs*

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 07:33:57 GMT

the negative blog ahahahahaha sad...

wow

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 21:43:23 GMT

lol this is like the blog of negativeness where all my sadness is put here and shyt.. anyways wells recently ive bin told off by my dad pretty badly.. hmm pretty upsetting.. anyways the reason to that is cos mum saw mi with julien one day and i wasnt ment to be seeing him or something den dad blew up.. and i didnt say a single word.. anyways dad got pissed and took my keycard away from mi.. and den wot happend was that.. he didnt say anything to mi since thursday nite.. anyways yesterday i was being a good girl k? like a real good one hu didnt talk or anything.. den i was doing my notes for society and den mum and dad were talking bout newspapers how mum had to buy al the newspapers for sat and sun and dad's like WTF U BOUGHT NEWSPAPER BOTH SAT AND SUN on sun its the same one as sat's one and he chucks a huge tantrum at mi.. for buying the same newspaper twice goes on bout how money isnt to be wasted and den he walks off.. den i go into the kitchen and go to mum if he reali cares bout that 2.20 ill pay for it.. and den he comes storming in YOU USING MONEY TO SHUT ME UP NOW.. YOU EARN A MERE 70 DOLLARS A WK AND I EARN LETS SEE HOW MUCH? AND UR USING 70 BUCKS TO SHUT MI UP?? and den something happened..

at the dinner table.. dad sits at the head and mum sits diagonal to me.. and sis sits next to mi and i sit near dad ... so we're all eating pretty much in silent den i dunno wot happens.. dad's like.. YOU NOE WOT.. I DON'T WANNA SIT HERE AND EAT .. I DONT WANNA SEE YOUR FACE.. I DUN WANT TO SIT AND EAT HERE BECOS UR HERE AND U EXIST.. mans dat full hurt cos he was directly speaking to mi.. and den i started to cry mum got annoyed sis was like WTF? and den dad was like off being the angry guy he is now.. and yeh.. den he went on the comp and u noe how keely chats to like peeps.. wells she was describing it to someone over the net.. and dad read it mans SO MUCH FOR PRIVACY!!! anyways den he told keely off.. and it was all a random.. pretty much all nite.. mum and dad were like outside.. and keely and i were inside..

anyways another thing ... i found out that the reasn for daniel dumping mi was realli the reason i thought from the beginning.. i spose im jst too smart :P ahahahaha jks jks hmm feel pretty bad for someone tho.. but daniel got hit one part of mi im heaps happy the other is like i hope he;s alrite.. but stuff it .. its his own fault u noe... and the chick's...

anyways mum atm is like telling my sister off jst for slping a bit late.. and i spose our parents are just i dunos.. bit dodgy lately.. too much stress.. and im like trying to study at times or read.. and i get told off for that.. how gay..

anyways life with julien.. it feels like death without him... i dunno i feel bad.. i miss him.. and i hope he misses mi.. u noe i keep thinking he will eventually brk it off wit mi.. but i spose thats mi.. i was talking to ant last nite.. over the fone.. cos icudnt ring julien cos it was like 11:00 and i felt heaps bad.. and it was like no one was dere.. and then i thought antony cud help.. and den... i rang him.. we talked for about an hr.. den daisy rang him and he hung up.. sometimes i wish that the person available to talk to mi was julien.. but most of the time he isnt available to talk.. so derefore i dunnos...

anyways he's a special guy to mi.. very special in fact.. one hu brings mi to my feet when im sad when he's round i spose onli at times.. cos srsly how often do i get full upset in front of friends.. disregarding the times i get dumped.. so u see i dunnos... but at the sound of his voice i cud brk down and cry my ass off.. cos. i dunno it jst happens..

cos on friday morn he rang mi.. i was like full crying outside the school library and like yeh ... its jst comforting to cry with julien xD i spose.. or at the sound of julien's voice.. tho it was so hard to cry in front of daniel... or at the sound of daniel's voice.. daniell was different.. i wasnt mi wen i was wit daniel.. and i spose yeh xD thats the way it is.. cos im happily with julien while he's stuck hurting his friend for the girl..

Friday, April 13, 2007

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 06:10:55 GMT

something.. something is bothering me.. something is bothering me big time.. i dunno wot it is but its bothering me big time.. julien a perfect guy wonderul sweet.. patient.. loves me.. trusts me.. cares and does well in all areas of his life.. dere is realli nothing bad about him.. but.. at this very moment.. i just feel so bad for hurting him on wednesday its starting to hurt me.. is this normal.. on wednesday carmen asked mi.. DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO REVOLVE AROUND DANIEL? no it doesnt revolve around daniel.. he just meant so much that now it affects how much i trust people.. especially guys.. i cant let it go.. cos.. i noe that each time i fall overly in love with a guy.. and trust him so much that it jst comes crashing down im so sorry julien.. for hurting ur feelings.. i jst so sorry and i cant stop being sry..

time too fast for me to handle

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 09:02:53 GMT

hmm apparently its a month with julien.. yes im happy no im not happy.. T_T ok im happy that about everything he's great really.. i trust him and all and stuff.. but i dunno.. like i predicted ANOTHER GUY WILL NOT BLOODY HELP ME MOVE ON FROM STUPID FRIGGIN DANIEL... why? too hurt by him? i dunnos its jst that.. i dunno when im with julien i can talk to him and be myself and everything yeh.. but den.. dere's always something bugging mi.. wot is realli in his mind?? i can trust him.. but im jst being extra cautious.. its a good thing yeh? i dunnos.. everything in the past just suddenly hit mi today.. its bin a month since being with julien.. and its bin nearli two months since daniel had killed my heart.. my heart.. so much in pain still.. well not as much pain.. its jst that.. sometimes i feel that maybe ive never bin out with daniel.. or maybe i srsly had no meaning to him.. everything i can gather tells mi.. that he had never cherished me.. everything he told mi had bin a lie.. im glad i havent seen daniel since... cos.. i swear.. if i see him how am i spose to act? the way i feel all hurt and shit or do i smile and jst act all happy.. god noes..

at times...

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 22:24:34 GMT

im lucky.. i dunno.. u noe i still find it quite hard to move on from daniel.. even with julien by my side at times and liyuan and everyone else.. i dunno why.. i mean. ive given up being so frustrated at him.. but wot im not satisfied with is that all those times daniel wud tell mi we wud last heaps longer he wont be the one to brk it up.. he'll love mi more than forever and yet.. i come back and he's a completely changed guy.. hmm maybe its not love i have for him any more its more of a longing.. longing for the past.. i guess.. i mean i swear ive given my whole self to him tarnished my bloody reputation for him yet it wasnt enough.. was he worth it?? if i knew that he wud brk up wit mi in such a shyt and random way den no he wasnt worth it.. he wasnt worth tarnishing my reputation for now all these guys think im easy.. when realli it takes a long time.. unless of course u were daniel.. but i swear.. daniel.. shrugs* i noe truly that there is no second chance cos he wont give mi one.. wud i go back.. i dunno... but atm.. ive got someone helping mi thru.. julien.. though im so cautious i only jst started realising how cautious i am.. its like.. yeh... oh wells.. periods are late by like 2 wks now dats scary... i swear.. i dunno where they are. why they arent here.. i havent done anything for two months. so i shud be safe cos last time periods came and they were heavy as.. so god noes wots happening.. i hope life gets better i swear..

the deep thoughts

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 04:09:41 GMT

hmm lately bin getting close to.. julien << french guy.. really really close anyways so last night. we talk on fone.. den it was all larfter and everything den i dunno i fink i said something wrong.. den he started thinking bout his exs.. and den.. i was so bloody lost ><;; cos i didnt noe wot to do.. im no good at cheering people up.. anyways so den.. like.. i dunnos.. im like im not gonna be the one hu's gonna hurt u.. and den I DID A BIG BIG MISTAKE i said if i didnt care bout him i wudve said *hey julien i dont care about u im gonna hang up now* instead of asking him whether he was alrite and stuff.. and den ZOMG turns out his ex did dat to him so dog.. anyways den he started being upset.. and being mi i fink he was crying ><;; sounded like it.. anyways so him upset mi just being silent this was at 1 at nite no more like 1.30 anyways so like he still upset.. den i dunno i assured him he was a special guy and so forth.. trying the best i cud to make him see that he was a grt guy... i fink after last nite .. i realised why his reason for liking mi from the beginning was wot it was..

when he first liked mi he told mi.. the reason was i was so loyal to daniel.. and after hearing all his grief and sadness last nite he's met mean chicks.. i swear.. apparently.. he's never hurt a single girl.. and he's never done THE DANIEL ahahaha* ok big exageration but yeh the daniel is wot i call sudden realisation *poof* WHY AM I WITH KAREN? WHY IS SHE MY GF? I DONT LIKE HER ANY MORE.. IM BRKING UP WITH HER* lol dats de daniel.. anyways that was lame.. but like poor guy he was full upset bout his exs.. and den i felt.. T__________T;; maybe im the one being used as the rebound gf xD ahahahaha instead of him being used as my rebound bf.. but then u noe.. i fink daniel brking up with mi.. was a pretty good idea i guess.. ^^;; i mean he's happy. im content and im not finding it guilty to be getting close to any other guy xD but still although i think of daniel still it dun hurt mi any more ^^ it was his choice anyways back to julien.. so he was upset bout his exs and den it was all silent and stuff cos being the karen i am i hab no idea how to cheer people up and since i dunno anything bout his exs it didnt seem rite for mi to ask even tho he prolly noes my whole entire love life xD but anyways.. so he tells mi they broke up before the summer holidays.. i fink.. den something bout he wanted to die and was real upset.. and den something bout wen he got interested in mi.. his gf was like i love u i miss u i want u back *typical playa* not that im making any judgement or anything.. and den he told mi that later on wen he had my name on his nick.. his ex was like so hu's this karen blah blah blah i didnt really hear much.. but yeh.. along the lines of "JULIEN IM JEALOUS THAT KAREN HAS YOU I WANT YOU BACK.. YET I DUN WANT TO ADMIT THAT SO ILL JUST SAY THAT YOUR THE ONE WHO;S BEEN PLAYING ME.. SO I DONT FEEL AS BAD WELL LOOK AS BAD* something like dat xD

what a random thing.. anyways so dats dat.. in my opinion.. love is as ronald says a rubik's cube complicated and stuff and as i say it is water.. sighs* love is something realli dodggy.. so yeh anyways many people in this world dont realise how many people like them or love them.. they just need to see the bigger picture..

all i ever wanted was you and its still you.. onli you..

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 05:11:29 GMT

why do i still suffer?? i find it so difficult you noe.. getting over him u noe.. i dunno.. the fact that he wont even take mi as a friend is even harder. its not rite.. i dunnos..i noe mysef that he never did realli love mi.. but why? SRSLY WHY? i gave him so much.. of mi.. i just want him back.. i still want him back. wishing day after day for him to jst tell mi.. he will be back.. i think im like the least important person in his life.. i prolly am as a matter of fact.. im very insignificant to many people like antony and him and many others.. i jst want him back... its so hard.. rite now.. still.. is.. i swear no one will be able to love him more than i ever did.. ive never given myself to someone so easily.. maybe i wasnt significant .. to him.. a summer love thing.. it jst makes mi even more upset nows.. always in my head.. why cant i jst forget.. why cant he jst come back.. or why cudnt he tell mi he was playing mi all along.. so i noe it wasnt for such a lame reason.. and make it clear that i was insignificant to him.. why cudnt he have told mi that..

Monday, February 26, 2007

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 08:13:36 GMT

julien has just asked mi to be his gf.. how can i tell someone i admire so much.. that.. its just too soon.. i still havent gotten over daniel.. i hate myself i hate him for not giving mi a second chance... i hate him for not letting me fix things up.. i hate him for wot he has done.. leaving me alone.. here nows.. im not ready to love yet.. im not ready to give up this so called freedom.. why.. srsly.. i asked god for someone better.. but i didnt want it this soon.. im not ready.. i need some time.. just please god give me some time. let me heal from the initial pain first.. because its not fair for julien..